365 Days Later…

366 Days ago:

“I am going to do 320 workouts. That is my goal. I am going to start my first workout tomorrow morning at 5:30am. This is the new start to my life.”

365 Days ago:

” It is 5:30am and i am getting up to do my first workout… What was i thinking!!??!!”

364 Days ago:

“Day 2 of my 320 workouts. Man, 5:30am is super early. I cannot feel my armpits. Or my left butt cheek. Actually i can feel the left one, it is the right one i cannot feel. Actually, it is too early to tell which cheek it is…”

363 Days ago:

“Day 3 of my 320 workouts… I almost couldnt get out of bed this morning. And not just because i was tired. But because my stomach muscles refused to bend. They are stuck straight. Like a surf board. Except a very round surf board. In fact, the term surf board is totally wrong for this sentence…”

361 Days ago:

“Day 5 of my 320 workouts… Seriously??!! I never thought i was an over acheiver.. but seriously, why didnt i make the number 6??? Why didnt i aim for 6 workouts, than tomorrow would be my last brutal moment. And i can go back to my nice sleep in every day… What was i thinking??”

358 Days ago:

“Day 6, week 2, of my 320 workouts. Oi. I feel so good this morning, getting up on a Monday morning and doing my workout, and not giving up after the weekend? Look at me go!!!

 (Photo Credit: Julia Wilson)

This was a photo taken a few years ago. I have been searching and searching for the perfect before picture, and it had been sitting on my shelf the whole time:)

323 days ago:

“Day 30 of my 320 workout goal… I cannot believe it! I made it through 30 workouts of the terrible 30 Day Shred… If i had a friend named Jillian right now… man we would be having some words… But i did it. Not that that is the end by any means. Get up lazy bones!!”

———————————————

365 Days later.

275 workouts completed.

? Pounds/Inches lost…??

(I will be saving the totals for my final workout)…

So many things more gained.

There is something to be said for inner beauty. I have been living with that for the last 10 or so years of my life.

On the outside, i was a round faced-round stomached person but on the inside i was this vibrant, confident, funny, beauty of a girl.

But so many only saw the outside.

When i looked in the mirror i saw cheekbones and great hair. Sparkly eyes. And huge feet. But honestly, those will never go away.

Inner beauty, is something that only we can feel. Only we can view.

If you were to look at yourself, what would your best feature be?

Would you look at yourself and say, hey, i got great swaz. No wait, dont ever say that again:)

But would you say i have good hair, but look at my arms? Or my legs? Or my Mommy-Tummy? Would you say that your toes look ok painted, but that is only to distract from your swollen ankles???

Stop!!

I have spent the last 365 days revitalizing myself. Doing crazy things that i would have never done before. And what i want to say to you during this blog it this…

I was ok 365 days ago, on the outside. I wasnt perfect, but i was still beautiful.

And i was still lovable! I was so lovable.

And so are YOU!

What i learnt this past year, is that it is the inside that matters, the heart-matters that matters.

Because as i changed on the outside, i changed doubly on the inside. My confidence of who i was, who i believed in and what i wanted doubled.

Do you know that a year ago, i couldnt jump around and dance with Emily? And then about 60 days into my workouts, i chased her. I chased her around and around and around our kitchen. And the surprise and giggles that came out of my girl, just gave my heart this extra jolt.

This journey is so worth it for me!

If you are having a hard time with your outer beauty, how is your heart doing? Have you still felt peace? Joy? Love? Kindness? Self Control?

When you feel as beautiful on the outside as you do on the inside, amazing things can happen. To your self-esteem, your relationships, and your abilities.

I hope this has encouraged you.

For the last 45 workouts i will be still giving it my all. I will still refuse to do side planks, and continue to fix my hair during them, but i will finish my goal.

What happens after my goal?

Oh sheesh, i have no idea:)

But just know, that i think you are beautiful, and special.

Have a good night, and maybe you should set a goal?

Goals are gross, but this one worked out ok for me:)

Fancy Pants.

Today… Hmm…

Today was a day. With ups and downs. Isnt that the way it goes with parenting? Ups and downs… Seems normal.

I wont be complaining during this post. I promise.

Its has just been that kind of day.

You may not know this, but i love being outside. I sit outside and read or blog or relax every evening. Until it starts snowing. And then..

I sit inside and read or blog or relax every evening.

Usually with the blinds open to remind me of why i am not outside…

Tonight might be my last time of blogging outside. I am sitting out here in my jacket, sweater, beanie and if i could figure out how to type with mittens on, i would have those on too:)

Today, i showered and dressed (fully) before i drove Emi to daycare. You see, i had a goal, make it to staff chapel, it starts at 8:45am.

I had to move it move it, for sure.

I got up, did my workout, grabbed my child some clothes, jumped into the shower and i think i made Emi some breakfast… I will have to confirm this tomorrow though:)

As we were leaving, my little lady said “Mommy, you look so fancy!! I mean, you look almost fancy… i mean, you have fancier pants on than normal… I mean, you smell nice Mommy!!”

Wow, i really need to shower more often, lol, thanks Emily!

After my last post, you should know my daily routine, and while i try to dress nicely and shower every day, some days there is just not enough energy to do both. This made me wake up a little.

You see.. after Emi’s dad left, i left my little fancy pants, and i became focused on being a mommy. And i did it, wholeheartedly. The whole way. When i went back to work after the first year, i had to dress is dressy clothes again and do my make up. It was a little weird but i found my groove and just went with the flow.

Sometime in the last 4 years, i lost myself. I started gaining weight. I stopped caring about my style. I stopped caring. All i cared about was being a good Mommy and taking care of Emily.

All of that stopped last October. As you know, i had set a goal of 320 workouts. And with that i set a goal of looking my best, and caring about myself too. Which brought along haircuts, highlights, new clothes, better make up, a sense of style that i never thought i had.

It is amazing, if you feel good about yourself on the inside, how that shows through on the outside.

Now, as i have the days to myself for appointments and rest, i have felt my fancy pants life go a little awol…

(Dont worry, i am still steadily working toward my goal… I did my 270th workout today… more on this later…)

As i sat with my sweety tonight, we chatted, and she confessed, “i miss my fancy-pants Mommy. I wish that you would be fancy every day again. I wish that life could go back to normal, that you would be feeling well again, and that you could be all dressed up like you used to be.”

Sob.

That is what i did.

I Sobbed.

What is the balance?

How do we as Moms, who are tired, sick or just bone sick and tired be fancy for our babies every day?

How do we show our babies that we are still fancy inside even if we dont have mascara on?

As Emily and i continue on this journey, as we consider each and every option of life, we welcome your feedback.

Our journey is just starting, really. I will hopefully be able to give you more details soon, but i just really hope that Emily’s life is awesome.

I want her to grow up loved, and feeling precious. And amazing. I want her to have the best schooling, the best daily routine. And the best Mommy.

And i want her to have me forever.

And i just dont know how to promise her that right now.

I just want her to have me forever.

The Project.. Pt 3… With an abundance of rest.

Well… It has been a few weeks since my last post. Keeping y’all at a healthy stand stil i am sure… Did you have a good Thanksgiving? Did you eat lots of turkey? Did you wear stretchy pants? With a draw string? Did they have flowers on them???

I know they did:)

Well the last doctors appointment i had was a needed one for sure. I was not to see my doctor until this week, but after what happened at the wedding, and how unsteady my balance was, i decided to go in and see the doc two weeks early.

When i arrived and checked in with the nurse, she took my blood pressure… After two weeks on the BP meds, i was not expecting the numbers to be so high. That is for sure! As i was rushed into the back of the health centre, they hooked me up to a monitoring machine, that went off every 5 minutes taking my readings. I wasnt allowed to know what it was saying, which was terrible. I dont like not knowing…

About 15 minutes into the monitoring, my nurse told me that the doc seeing me today would be a different one again, as my family doc was away… And then she left the room, leaving me hooked up and saying that Dr. Pita would be in shortly. (I have changed his name, he is not a bread, but i would like to break bread with him, ha:))

A few short minutes later, in walked Dr. Pita, blue eyes and all, totally loveable. As he came in, he noticed that i was still being tested, and stated that he would be back when my test was done. As i sat there stunned… my BP is higher now for sure, this is not accurate at all.

When Dr. Pita came back, unhooked the machine and went over the results, i could barely concentrate. There is a reason i have an older lady as a doctor!!

Dr. Pita went over my recent blood results and talked to me about the recent events, and then he decided that he needed to do a neuro exam. Oh boy.

As i layed down on the bed, he held my head in his hand to the right, and told me to look into his eyes. For fifteen seconds. Heehee. I couldnt do it, those bright baby blue eyes should never be on a doctor. Especially one telling you to stare deeply into them.

(If this surprises any of you, shame on you:))

8 times. That is how many times we had to repeat the lay-down-head to the right-stare into Dr-Pita`s-pretty eyes-regime. 8 times.

After that moment, Dr. Pita then had me follow his finger and cover my one eye and etc. It was all the same, taking way longer than i would have ever imagined.

At the end of the appointment, i left with my new prescription for a kidney medicine, and a higher dose of my BP meds. As well as a promise to hear from the Hematologist very soon, and another specilalist appointment.

This week is my second full week off of work. It feels weird to say that. But it has been a time of rest and blood work. And also, regrouping.

Even though it feels weird to be home during the day alone.. I have created quite the daily regime. I drop Emi off before 9am, that is my one of two deadlines of the day. Then i come home and if i am done my daily workout already, i make my smoothy and take my medicines. Then i empty the dishwasher and swiffer the floor. Then i make some tea, talk my friend on the phone and finally settle down on the couch to watch some tv. Then i make lunch and have some more tea, and go for a nap. If you arent totally bored by reading that first part, then you will be after the next part of the day… After my nap, i put on my head phones and go for a walk, usually around 40 minutes of good ole fresh air. And then, i go and pick up Emi before 5:30pm, my second deadline of the day. We have supper and then bed time. And then repeat…

Yawn.

The end.

Haahaa

It has been amazing, i am not feeling too much better, but at least i know that at the end of the day i am not stressed at all. And that even though my BP is still all over the map, and i am feeling a bit of weirdness with my kidney meds, i am doing my part to be resting and taking care of myself.

I had hoped that part 3 would be the end of the story with the diagnosis and treatment plan. But as it stands, this is the end of part 3. With the promise that after a week of appointments maybe part 4 could have more answers for you!

If not, i know you will keep reading. Because you are just supportive like that.

Till that day comes, please know that while i ate my Thanksgiving dinner of something, that i was thankful for YOU:)

Full Disclosure… Pt 2.

Are you one who likes cliff hanger movies? I am not one. I love gifts. Gifts is my love language for sure. But cliffs and gifts are not the same thing. Not at all. So if you like cliff hangers, you will have loved my last blog; if you havent read my last blog, shame on you:) You can read it here… https://kathlerslife.wordpress.com/2013/10/06/the-project-full-disclosure-pt-1/
If you like gifts, like me, then keep reading:)

After i had all of my blood work done, i went home and rested and had a few days to recover. I had a follow up appointment a few days later. It was with a new doctor, as my family doctor was away. As this new doc went through my results and checked my blood pressure, it all went dark. I passed out. Man!! That isnt good!

(Aug) It all happened quickly after that, i was rushed into a ECG and an Xray to check my heart, and from there sent in for some more blood tests. I took the rest of the day off of work… I barely made it home and to pick up Emily. Things were getting a bit more unreliable…

A few days later i had to go in for a heart-o-gram (not the right wording, i know…) and a kidney ultrasound. As i sat and waited for these tests, i told myself, man, i look good in a doctor gown… I should probably be in the medicine profession!

The results came a little bit later, my blood work showed that i had high white bloods cells (we already knew that, sheesh), that my Neutrophils and Leukocytes were high, i had weird pee, and that my kidneys and heart both showed no significant damage. So in the end of that appointment, i left with the promise that they would push the Hematologist appointment and put me on blood pressure meds.

(Sept) I went to a wedding. A very special wedding. The wedding was out in mountainy Alberta, with a great group of amazing people. At this wedding, i took a little break from dancing and visiting to sit outside on top of a picnic table and chat with one of my dear friends husbands. During this visit, i passed out. Again. And fell off the picnic table, and i split open my ear, bit my tongue and bruised up my wrist, knee, shoulder, arm, ego… It was so embarrassing.

I dont know about you, but having this happening during a wedding and a family event is not the most uplifting event to ever happen to me. I wish that it had not happened, but at the same time, i was well looked after and had a bunch of super supportive people with me at the time.

But still, i will always wonder… when i fell off the picnic table in my party dress… did i show anything that maybe shouldnt have been shown???

Please dont tell me:)

As i close Part 2, there is much more to tell, but i want you to keep reading, so i will draw this one to a close.

But as i do, i will just say, recognize.
recognize is a word that i have learnt lately.
recognize your limits.
recognize your true family and friends.
recognize your amazing abilities.
recognize that you are beautiful, and amazing.
recognize this… it must be true because my shirt says so:)

 And for the second time…

This is to be continued.

The Project: Full Disclosure… Pt. 1

As i am writing this, i am listening to the Train song.. Bruises. “These bruises, make for better conversation… Loses the vibe that seperates, … your not alone in how you’ve been. We’ve all’ve got bruises.”

Ain’t that the truth? We have all got bruises. Some deeper then others, physical bruises and mental bruises. We have all got them.

One day before i left for Mexico, Emily and i had our yearly check up with our family doctor. See, she had just changed clinics, and so we had to do a check up to solidify our files with her new clinic. As our dr. checked me over, she noticed that my blood pressure was pretty high. As i told her it was probably just because i was nervous about our drive to Calgary, and then my upcoming trip to Mexico, she made me promise to book an appointment right after our return to the chilly Edmonton city. So i did. I booked my follow up visit for the Monday after our trip.

On that Monday, i returned to my doctors new office, fully sun burnt and stressed out from being a Mommy again, after 7 full days away from mommy-hood and in the sun. As Dr D. checked me over and took my blood pressure, it was noticed that it had gone up again. Dr D ordered a bunch of blood tests as well as a heart test.
So i did them.
And then i returned to work.
And then i received a call.
Your white blood cells are up.
ok. great.
In a month, you will need to have them re checked.
Yup. will do.

(May) One month later, I had my blood re checked, as asked.

Sure enough, i received another call.

Your white blood cells are up, again.
ok. great.
In one week, you will need to have them re checked.
Ok. Will do.

One week later, i had my blook work re checked.
¸
Sure enough, i received another call…

Your white blood cells are up, again. You no longer have a sunburn, so we are referring you to a Hematologist.

Wow, really?

Yes really.You will need to come in for a follow up in a few days, to see how your blood pressure is doing, which we think is a side effect to your elevated white blood cells, and to do another blood test.

OK, i will.

(June) So i went in, and had to do this 24-hour blood pressure test, which was a little pouch that i got to take home. Emily asked what it was, and i told her it was a BP machine, so she called it a Beep-Beep machine:)

Around this time, i started feeling a little dizzy… It happened at church one Sunday, i was visiting with family and friends, and all of a sudden going from standing to sitting became a problem. I didnt know at the time, but this is a side effect of my blood pressure being too high.

(July) Next, i received a call from my doctor saying that i had to do a whole bunch of blood work for my upcoming Hematologist appointment. Not thinking much about it, i collected requisitions and went to my local lab to give blood.

Only to be told that this kind of blood work is only done at hospitals…

So off i went to the hospital, and had my blood collected.

That is when it hit me.

After 13 vials of blood were taken, at the hospital.

This might be a little bit serious…

There might be something serious going on with me…

Wow.

To be continued…